I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.