I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.