What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.