It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.