His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.