His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!