His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.