Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.