Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.