When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.