My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.