My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."