I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.