I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.