I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'