I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.