I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"