I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.