I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.