Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.