Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.