Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!