Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I can't get no respect.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.