Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.