My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.