My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.