I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!