I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!