I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.