During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.