During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.