During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.