During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.