During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.