[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.