[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.