[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.