[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.