One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.