One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.