One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.