One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.