I have three kids, one of each.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.