If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.