If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.