If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!