I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.