I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.