My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.