I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."