I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'