I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.