For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.