For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!