For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!