Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.