Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.