Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.