Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.