I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.