I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.