I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.