I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.