My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.