My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.