My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.