My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.