My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.