When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.