When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.