When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.