When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.