I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.