I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.