I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!