Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.