Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.