Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.