Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.