There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.