There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!