There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'