I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.