I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.