My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.