My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother