I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."