I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.