I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.