I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'