My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.