My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!