My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!