My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.