My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.