My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I have three kids, one of each.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.