My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?