It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.