It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.