It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'