It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit