It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.