It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.