I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.