I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.