Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.