Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!