My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.