I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I have three kids, one of each.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.