I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."