I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.