When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.