When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.