When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.