Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.