Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.