Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.