My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.