My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.