My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.