My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?