My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?