I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.