I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.