I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.