I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I don't get no respect