I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.