I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.