My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

My wife gives good headache.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.