My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.