My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.