My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!