My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."