A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.