A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.