A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.