A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.