A hooker once told me she had a headache.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.