A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.