To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

My wife gives good headache.