To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".