To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.